The Sad Death of Boyhood Bonds
A review of "Close," a new Oscar-nominated film about two best friends drifting apart
You are reading The Mandate / Hot takes on topics that men don’t like to talk about / Written by LA-Based Writer, Cultural Strategist, and Olympic Medalist Jason Rogers
Two boys run through a field of flowers from an imaginary foe. They are laughing like idiots, and it’s clear that they feel nothing is more compelling and important than the game they have concocted and the fictional world they share.
This is the opening scene from the new film Close, which recently won the Grand Prix at the Cannes Film Festival and is nominated for Best Foreign Film in the upcoming Academy Awards. I first heard about Close from Mark Greene, a longtime friend of The Mandate. He recently penned an excellent piece for Ms. magazine in which he interviews the Belgian filmmaker Lukas Dhont.
I highly suggest you read that article, but I’ll briefly summarize it. The idea for the film was heavily influenced by masculinity research — notably the work done by Niobe Way, the NYU psychology professor who wrote Deep Secrets. The book examines how societal pressures lead boys to distance themselves from childhood friendships, leaving them increasingly isolated and alone.
Close tells the story of two 13-year-old best friends, Léo and Rémi, who live near each in the Belgian countryside. As the first scene suggests, their imaginary, emotional, and physical worlds are deeply enmeshed. Léo spends nearly every night at Rémi’s, and, despite having a separate cot, Leo sleeps into Rémi’s bed.
The first part of the film is a catalog of moments of deep intimacy, such as when Léo tenderly tells Rémi a story to help him fall asleep. However, that scene also foreshadows turbulence to come. Rémi tells Léo that his mind is constantly racing, and we begin to realize that Rémi’s character may be more complicated than we think.
Soon after, the two friends enter a new school together. They initially act as they always have. However, their classmates question their relationship (Are you two a couple?). That questioning turns to ridicule. The outside pressure doesn’t seem to bother Rémi; however, Léo becomes uncomfortable and starts to push Rémi away. Their physical (and emotional) closeness begins to erode.
I won’t say much more about the plot because I don’t want to ruin the film. (See it!). But suffice it to say that a tragic event occurs, and Léo is left in turmoil. However, his newfound perception of how boys should act leads him to initially bury the guilt and pain he feels.
After seeing the film, I immediately thought about a boyhood friendship from my own life. We met in 7th grade and quickly became inseparable. We skateboarded together. He sometimes came to my fencing practice. I often attended his ice hockey games. Like Léo and Rémi, we often assumed that we would stay the night at each other’s house.
Dhont’s film is a clean narrative about how the introduction of pugnacious, schoolyard masculinity leads one boy to withdraw his tenderness. In my case, it was messier. But, to the best of my recollection, I was the one who pulled away.
I think the death knell of our friendship arrived when we developed a crush on the same girl. She was our classmate and receptive to both of our interests. Stupidly, we thought it was a good idea to make her choose between us. And (I’m wincing as I type this), but I was pretty thrilled when she chose me.
Underpinning our behavior was a typical performance displayed by boys when they become more socially and sexually aware. I can’t point to a specific moment, but I can recall the aura of worry I felt that our classmates might think we were gay. (This is the same catalyzing fear that Léo experiences in Close).
I think that silly competition was about being eager to show others and ourselves that we weren’t too close. That is, we liked girls. In fact, we liked girls so much that we would fight over one.
But male relationships don’t erode simply because boys want to prove their sexuality. There is a broader cultural contagion that gets into the tender parts of their brains and causes them to rot. That contagion is the perception that a boy must toughen to become a “man.” As Dhont so expertly put it in his interview with Mark: “the desire for hardness corrupts the soft.”